Earlier this year I was talking to my mom, I think, about clothes and the weight I had lost recently and I said to her, “It is so good to feel like myself again.”  Tonight I realize how sad that statement was, who was I all the years I was fat?  And if I get fat again will I turn back into someone else?  That’s crazy, I’ve always been me, I just didn’t really know it.  I am starting to realize that getting skinny was not the answer to learning to love myself that I thought it would be.  Each day I watch as my Grama’s mind become more and more disconnected from her body, her body is now something she has little control over and when you talk to her about it she says things like, “I have had 80 great years of walking and I am lucky and happy to have had that!”  She is not anyone different because her body is not what she wants it to be.  I wish I could be more like her.  If I were in her shoes I doubt I would accept it all with the grace she has shown over the past few months.  I feel very lucky that I could be here to learn from her.  She tells me all the time how lucky she is to have me but she really has no idea how much it is the other way around.  Tonight I feel happy to have 2 strong arms that I can hold my kids with, I’m happy to have 2 working legs so I can easily get around, I am happy to be here where I am today with the body I know I wanted so badly, and even though it is not perfect it is mine.  And that’s good.

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